Has someone told you that what you were planning was impossible, that you are crazy for even trying or that you should leave something to the professionals?

Hearing something like that might invoke anger inside you, frustration and/ or self-doubt.

Hi, my name is Serenity Sudbrock and I am a MK to eastern Germany.  Living within a culture known for its negative view on life and ingenuity – a cultural habit causing them to be one of the last European countries to enter into the industrial revolution. I experienced exactly this last summer.  I had planned all my weeks except ten days in which I was going to rest.  I had felt called to every activity chosen for these precious six weeks of summer break.

Yet as soon as someone inquired whether I was certain that planning these weeks so full was a good idea, I started doubting my decision, wondering if it was truly such a good idea.  I mean… I am heading into the qualification stage for my Abitur (a type of European Baccalaureate).  I NEED to rest up.!!!!  I NEED to prepare!  I NEED my down time!!!  What was I thinking?  I started to drown in a downward spiral of self-doubt, wondering if anything I have ever set my mind to was actually a good idea.  This wasn’t to be my first attack either.  Within the next few weeks, I was to hear from multiple people who I truly admire and look up to, that I was planning the impossible.  Resigning to my stubbornness on the issue they would tell me they hoped nothing bad happened; usually naming exactly that which might go wrong.  Seeing as Germans have the habit of making sure that their predictions of bad fortune come true, I was relieved to know that none of them were involved in the planning of my trips or coming along.  Despite all this, I felt deflated.  I knew that they always have something negative to say and that I shouldn’t let it get to me.  What if they were right?

Despite all of that, I started preparing for the Bible music camp where I was going to be a counselor. The theme was David and Goliath.  So, I started to read First and Second Samuel, asking myself, “What made David a man after God’s own heart? What was the difference between him and Saul? What made Saul so bitter?”

While reading, I noticed David’s constant inquiries of the Lord whether he should pursue a certain plan or goal. Even though he had already had so much success, he continually asked for guidance, always relying on the Lord and not on his own judgment. This is where Saul had failed. He was anointed and called to be King over Israel, but somewhere along the way he forgot who truly is King.

So, I started analyzing my life: “Had I inquired of the Lord?  Yes, I had.  But what had He said?”  I couldn’t remember. It was a large fuzzy mess and since I hadn’t been writing my prayers down lately, I couldn’t read and find out either. I went crazy.

Finally, I sat down and reflected and prayed in peace opening the bible to 2.Samuel 5:19.

“And David inquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up to the Philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? And the LORD said unto David, Go up: for I will doubtless deliver the Philistines into thine hand.”

Much like all the other inquiries.

I continued reading…  and again, he inquires…

“ 23And when David inquired of the LORD, he said, Thou shalt not go up; but fetch a compass behind them, and come upon them over against the mulberry trees. 24And let it be, when thou hearest the sound of a going in the tops of the mulberry trees, that then thou shalt bestir thyself: for then shall the LORD go out before thee, to smite the host of the Philistines. 25And David did so, as the LORD had commanded him; and smote the Philistines from Geba until thou come to Gazer.”

Reading this, I could feel the Lord speaking directly to me. Yes, this was what He had planned for me and yes, He would make it possible. For this fight is a holy one and he will stand by my side through it all.

Deuteronomy 31:8 “And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed.”

I turned up the cassette player, (yes some of us crazy missionaries still use them^^) and let uplifting music blare throughout the whole house while I sang along and joyfully cleaned the apartment.

The next couple of weeks turned out to be exactly the right thing.  I spent a week at chemistry camp and was able to witness to two kids from my school who now attend my weekly Bible study.  If I would have listened to the attacks telling me that it was a waste of my time and I was too stupid to be spending the week in a college lab, that never would have happened.  The next week at Bible camp, I was able to give my testimony and help lead the song service.  We had 25 kids come to the Lord. What if I had listened to the devil’s whispers telling me that I wouldn’t know how to deal with those kids? And last but not least, my medical missions trip to Peru, for which I received the most criticism: “Is one week really worth it? What kind of medical experience do you have? Why are you even going, that’s so far and dangerous!!? Uhm, is your Spanish good enough for that?”  Despite my minimal self-taught Spanish skills and only being an EMT, I was able to help people. Within four days we saw over 900 patients and had around 250 confessions of faith, while planting seeds in those cities and plowing fields for the missionaries in Peru.  I also made connections to other medical missionaries and found my calling to ring true.

I know, it was the right thing to do.  I understand now that if I’m not careful and allow the spiritual warfare to rage, I may forget why I even went and start to doubt again. But God knows, why He does what He does.  We can be sure that He has a plan for us.

Don’t let self-doubt stand in the way of the Lord’s work, rather use it to draw nearer to Him and find your joy and purpose in His glorious grace.