In addition to cultural and social transitions, you are going to deal with many emotions.  The emotional transition can sometimes be the hardest part of the transition.  No matter how adept you are at learning the culture and making friends, you will deal with the emotions.  The following emotions are very common amongst those making the type of transition you are getting ready to make. If at any time during this process, you feel depressed or like harming yourself, seek help immediately.  Talk to your pastor, Sunday school teacher, professor, or a trusted friend.

One of the biggest emotions MKs deal with is grief.  You may find this odd, but I’m pretty sure you have already dealt with this to some degree.  The MK life is full of goodbyes.  From an early age, you start saying goodbye to family and familiar surroundings.  Each furlough or move brings more goodbyes.  Sometimes, just as you start making good friends it is time to move on.  The cycle has continued to this very day and it is getting ready to happen again.  You have mourned the loss of friends, family and “home” many times.  You may have even come to the point where you don’t believe that anyone will stay in your life for very long.  You are pretty sure that any friends you make will eventually move on or you will move again, so what is the point of making an effort?  Well, first of all, you are going to be pretty lonely if you aren’t willing to make yourself available to others.  Secondly, it is a biblical principle to be friendly.  Take Proverbs 18:24a as just one example, “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly….”  The Lord has made us “to do life” with others.  He gave us the desire to part of a community.  Withholding yourself from that community is selfish and wrong.   Acknowledge the grief and give yourself time to work it though; but don’t wallow and stay in that place.  Be willing to put yourself out there.

You may also be fearful of getting back to the States and really liking it here.  If you do, does that mean you didn’t like the culture you grew up in?  Does it mean that what you felt for that culture wasn’t real?  Does it mean you will lose your memory and commitment to the culture you grew up in?  None of this is true.  It is okay to learn to fit in and even enjoy what you will experience.  It doesn’t lessen the significance of the culture you grew up in.

You may have heard of culture shock, but have you ever heard of reentry shock?  It is just as real as culture shock and it should be something you are aware of as you make this transition.  The symptoms are very similar to that of culture shock: sleeplessness, anxiety, irritability, homesickness, depression and others.  The best explanation I have read about common reactions to reentry stress is in the book, Third Culture Kids, by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken.  Following is an excerpt from the book.

”Despite many of their contradictory feelings, however, most TCKs’ basic desire is to be “home” to be “the same.”  How do they react when they find they are not?  TCKs choose all sorts of ways to cope.  Some … try to be perfect external chameleons.  To fit in, they refuse to tell anyone of their past life.  Where they have lived or grown up becomes a well-guarded secret.  A teacher explains the whys and wherefores of the tribal practices of a group in the TCKs’ host country, and they never say a word – although they are boiling inside at the misconceptions being taught.  Basically, these TCKs deny one side of their life to try and blend in with their new peers.

Others cope by getting angry.  They will do almost anything to prove they aren’t like their fellow citizens.  One American girl refused to give up her British accent when she returned to Washington, DC, and displayed it when telling people how dumb she thought American foreign policy was.

Why is anger such a common reaction?  There are several likely reasons.  A cross-cultural lifestyle is so normal for the TCKs that they themselves don’t always understand how much it has shaped their view of the world.  They easily forget that others haven’t had the same exposure to different cultures and lifestyles as they have had.  Also, the easiest way for anyone to deal with the stress of feeling uncomfortable in a new situation is to put others down.  This impatience can be a defense against the feelings of insecurity or inferiority TCKs may have in their home culture.  This impatience or judgementalism sometimes also serves as a means of identifying with other TCKs.  It becomes one of the markers of “us” versus “them.”  Unfortunately, a get-together of TCKs can quickly degenerate into bashing the perceived stupidity of non-TCKs.

At times, it seems TCKs can be culturally tolerant anywhere but in their own culture.  When people move to a new host culture, they usually keep quiet if they have strongly negative opinions about that culture.  At most, they only express them to fellow expatriates.  These rules seem to change, however, on reentry.  Some TCKs appear to feel quite free to express every negative opinion they can possibly think of about their home culture, no matter who is around.  While chronic put-downs may be an unconscious defense for the TCKs’ own feelings of insecurity or rejection, such remarks further alienate them from everyone around them.  But, like it or not, they are a member of this group by birth and citizenship.  In affirming one part of their experience and themselves, they reject another.

Other TCKs, of course, simply withdraw.  Some do it in obvious forms.  They have a hard time getting out of bed, or they sit in their rooms and watch TV all day rather than joining any activities at school or church.  These, too, are culture shock reactions.  Withdrawal can have less obvious forms, however.  Some students retreat into their studies and earn straight A’s – but who can fault them for that?  Others spend hours practicing their favorite instrument and winning every musical contest they enter.  While everyone congratulates them for their achievement, no on realizes this is another form of escape.

For a few TCKs, however, this period of looking for a way to relate to their home culture can be a dangerous time.  After trying various ways of coping, they realize that all their external adaptation, something inside still doesn’t fit, and they believe this “something” will never change.  Psychiatrist Esther Schubert, an adult TCK (ATCK) herself who has done research among TCKs, reports that suicide rates go up among TCKs after their first-year home.  For them, it’s the ongoing struggle to fit in that leads to despair rather simply the initial reentry.”

So, how do you combat all of these negative emotions?  Firstly, rely upon your Heavenly Father.  Secondly, have or find a good support system.

Being on your own for the first time means that it may also be the first time you have had to truly rely upon your Heavenly Father.  While at home, you have instant access to your parents and close friends that allow you to have a safety net.  Being thousands of miles away from all that you know removes that safety net.  You may end up in a city or situation where you know no one and you start experiencing some of the emotions described above.  What is your first line of defense?  Prayer and feeding your soul with Scripture.  You must remember that the Lord knows what road you are on.  He is the one who put you on this road.  He knows where the road leads and how you get there.  He knew from the beginning the twists and turns your life would take and all of the experiences, both good and bad, that will make up your story.  He can be trusted.  If you rely upon Him, He will take this time in your life to refine you and test your faith.  On the other side you will be a stronger believer and be able to use these experiences to help and encourage others. “O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.” Psalm 34:8

How do you get a new safety net when your old one is thousands of miles away?  You start by looking at the people you may already know around you.  For example:

• Siblings – You may not be the first child in your family to make this transition.  If you have the type of relationship with your sibling where you feel comfortable to share your experience, they can be a great source of encouragement and knowledge.  They are farther along the road of transition and can help you avoid some pitfalls they encountered along the way.  They also fully understand where you are coming from and have common experiences.
• Extended Family – Some of you may choose to live close to extended family.  You may have spent time with this family on furloughs and feel comfortable around them.  You may just be getting to know this family and not have a close enough relationship to share some of the issues you are facing.  If you feel comfortable, then feel free to share your struggles with them.  They may not fully understand where you are coming from but they love you and will want to see you succeed.
• Pastor/Sunday School Teacher – Maybe you have a pastor, youth pastor or other spiritual leader with whom you already have an established relationship.  He or she would be able to give you spiritual guidance as you make this transition.  They may even have experience with MKs who have made this transition and can give you some practical advice.  It will be very important for you to find a new church to call home as soon as possible; this will also allow you to have people with whom you talk face-to-face for spiritual advice.
• Professors – If you choose to attend a Christian college or university, then professors can also be a source of encouragement.  Many of these professors have encountered MKs on numerous occasions and can point you in the right direction for help.
• Other TCKs – If you choose to attend Christian college or university, you are going to encounter other MKs and TCKs.  These fellow students, and in some cases professors and administrators, will either be experiencing the same types of emotions or will have in the past.  If you choose not to attend a Christian College or university, you will still encounter many TCKs on your campus.  You would be surprised at the growing number of people who have lived overseas due to their parents’ work.  While the MK experience can be a little different in comparison to other TCKs, both groups still face the same issues when reentering to the passport culture.